Two Repressed Egotists

The press seem to love the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, so you've probably read about it already. But in case you haven't you're in for a bit of a literary-themed treat.

The contest is organised by the English Department of San Jose State University, and offers a prize of $250 to the winner. The aim is to 'compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels', in honour of Edward Bulwer-Lytton, a terrible writer whose most famous contribution to the literary world was the famously terrible opening sentence -

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness".

Pretty terrible stuff. The contest, which takes place annually, asks its entrants to place their tongues firmly in their cheeks, and, allowing for a little bit too much smugness, most of the entrants are hilarious.

You can see the full honour roll from this year's competition here, and some of the past winners are detailed in wikipedia, but some of them stand out and deserve a mention here.

This year's overall winner was Garrison Spik who came up with this shocker:
"Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped "Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J."

I enjoyed the runner-up in the Adventure category from Dave Ranson;
""Die, commie pigs!" grunted Sergeant "Rocky" Steele through his cigar stub as he machine-gunned the North Korean farm animals."

But my personal favourite is this 'dishonourable mention' in the Purple Prose category, from a Mr. Jim Thomas;
"The pancake batter looked almost perfect, like the morning sun shining on the cream-colored bare shoulder of a gorgeous young blonde driving 30 miles over the speed limit down a rural Nebraska highway with the rental car's sunroof open, except it had a few lumps."

Have a look through the whole list - there are some corkers. I'm thinking the Two Repressed Egotists could definitely mount a challenge for next year's contest.